my year, my year, will finally disappear

hi, how are you? sometimes i stray. i started this blog as a sort of musical diary, as a way to sort out, musically, all that was going on in my life. but i get distracted...i put up videos...so, i guess i haven't strayed. that's how my mind works. every blog i've posted this year has meant something very specific to me. you won't ever really understand but when i look back on it i know what triggered each entry.

the year has been difficult. my best friend lost a child. my marriage ended. other things...smaller things...

and this may sound trite: i would not have made it through this year without music. i wouldn't have had an outlet. or a reference point. or a friend.

for example, i'm listening to 'blood on the tracks' right now. and every song speaks to me. the loss, the sadness, the struggle to accept it all. the deep sadness in dylans' voice singing 'you're a big girl now'.

or 'magic and loss' by lou reed. a brilliant album dealing with death. head on. 'you loved a life others throw away nightly, it's not fair, not fair at all'. i used to think of my dad when i heard that song. now i think of a 6 month old and his father. and how could i even deal with that without this song?

god only knows. 'god only knows'. that's my favorite song. i danced to it on my wedding day. it put into words and music how i felt about the woman i loved. i haven't listened to it since my marriage ended. but i will again someday. and it will always be my favorite song.

and i listened to 'game of pricks' by gbv this afternoon. 'can't call you or on you no more/when they're attacking me'. 'i'll climb up on the house/weep to water the trees'. i thought of my home. the one i visit bi-weekly, and i felt so sad. but i also felt comforted. like my friend had an arm around me, kissing me on the top of my head saying 'it'll be ok, i promise'.

and i listened to 'peep hole'. and the line 'i'm looking inside your brain/and christ it's a cluttered mess/i love you i must confess'. and i know...

now 'idiot wind' is playing and my bullshit machismo is rising up. fuck it.

and the kinks played. and springsteeen. and costello and the replacements. and scott walker and joy division and the talking heads and eno and robert wyatt and elliott smith and jay bennett and black flag and wussy and wilco and nina simone and flaming lips and mercury rev and...and...hundreds of others.

and what would i have done without them?

and my brother got married this year. that was wonderful.

and tom petty played.

and i gained a fantastic sister-in-law. a sister.

and the beach boys played at their wedding.

'don't worry baby, everything will turn out allright'.

and the kiss on my forehead.

thank you, thank you.