thanks.

y'all know how i feel about music. it's with me all the time. take a snapshot of a moment in my life. i will score it.
it's all that matters to me. really. do anything to me but strike me deaf and i will endure.
there are moments, significant moments, when you hear the right song at the right time.
'can't hardly wait', saved me, in the back of k.t.'s grand am. seriously. sucking on a sprite bottle full of vodka, it released me. my vision blurred! i saw cartoon violins! the tone of the guitar! it was like a tube. do you know what i mean? jesus, i don't know if you know what i mean...but it was a moment i will never forget. it defined me. it was beauty amidst my high school ugly. ugly. ugly.
and jane's addiction. maybe to be scoffed at now. but at the time it opened my eyes to a world i couldn't have dreamed of. a world of excess, yes, but also a world of creativity. a world where you could express yourself without censorship.
and i heard dylan, late, it's true. 'desire'. 'one more cup of coffee'. 'sara'. 'sara'. there has never been a sadder song...please, if you don't know it look it up. and think of the one that got away....
and 'pet sounds'. i don't wanna talk about 'pet sounds' right now. i haven't listened to it for quite awhile...
lucy's tapes...
but there are moments! fewer as i get older. moments that are pure magic. moments when i feel like a drunk teenager in the back of a grand am. moments where i feel less alone. like someone, someone i don't know, is speaking to me. naive? yep. juvenile? i'm sure. but i get those moments.
i got it when mike played me 'sequestered in memphis'. it was glorious. it made me feel like the first time i heard 'rosalita'. and that's a great feeling. a feeling of abandon! like it IS us against them and we...may..very...well..win...
we didn't. i didn't. but, mike, thanks for that.
and recently..
recently i had a moment. and i knew within 39 seconds it was a moment. i was on a drive with a friend. a good friend, i hope. she said, pointing at the ipod, 'play some m. ward'. so i did. i'm easy that way. and i played 'transfiguration of vincent'(which, the title, i soon found out was inspired by john fahey, who, y'know, i love!) and an instrumental played. and it was really nice. really. but then came 'vincent o'brien':


'he only sings when he's sad
and he's sad all the time
so he sings the whole night through
yeah, and he sings in the daytime too'

and i remember my eyes rolling back. i looked at the trees (we were driving through a beautiful park) and that's the last thing i remember. i was swept away. i had that 'where have you been all my life?' feeling. it was gorgeous, and i don't think i got over it that weekend. or since.
what can i say?
maybe i feel it all too deeply.
maybe i feel it 'cuz i can't say it.
maybe i'm too dumb to say it.
but that's what keeps me going.
i don't wanna check out too soon.
'cuz i might....miss...a...moment...like...that...