robert pollard-robert pollard is off to business

"Loneliness I hardly ever feel during the day. At night sometimes after a gig I feel it a bunch. But loneliness, anyway is a state of feeling, whereas aloneness is a state of being -- like the difference between bein' broke and bein' poor." -townes van zandt

i wasn't a lonely kid. i had friends. i played little league. i played in a band. but i was never really comfortable doing any of it. i remember always feeling guilty having a good time. or nervous. like something bad was gonna happen. 'never relaxed', as daniel would say.
i felt disconnected. far away, or felt too much, hands on a hot stove . some things haven't changed.
high school, was, y'know, high school. i was a ghost. voted 'quietest'! seriously, it's in the year book.
i actually don't remember much of high school. the drinking was part of it, sure. but something else...i may have had some kind of learning disability....i couldn't pay attention. my eyes were closed, usually, silently humming...decorating my binder with band names. the replacements, jane's addiction, elvis costello, the cult...i remember some douche looking at my doodlings and saying 'you listen to that fag music?'. if i'd have had a gun i would have shot that motherfucker down. to paraphrase nick cave.
so i'd get home after a day of, basically, holding my breath. my room was in the basement. paneled. i had a black light zeppelin poster. true.
and i would fucking crank the music. so fucking loud. i had a great stereo.
i was, and am, an incredible air guitarist. i jumped and windmilled. i jump and windmill. i sang along, my hands twirling an imaginary microphone. my two faves to mime to were 'ocean size' by jane's, and 'baba o'riley' by the who. everything would fade. it was like a psychotic break. the paneling would turn into an audience. i could hear, really hear, the roar of the crowd. diane c., the girl i was in love with, who i never, ever said one single word to, gazed up at me, eyes filled with a lust that i've never seen in a real woman's eyes.
(i smile when i listen to music. it's true. you should watch me sometime.)
and for a while, the world, the real, imaginary world, knew what i knew. that i was special. that i was different. that i was something. that i wasn't alone.

that's how i feel when i listen to pollards new one. check it out.