in my room, etc.

'i am a lost soul/ i shoot myself with rock and roll'-robert pollard

what am i doing?
what i am doing.
i'm lying in bed. listening to records. i've been here the better part of the day. depressed? not really, no. more like waiting. like somethings gonna happen. like the sun is gonna peek out and light a path that leads to some door i'm supposed to open. a door that holds back everything good. everything that's missing. or what i think is missing.
right now bruce is singing 'c'mon we gotta keep a light burning'. it's his version of suicide's 'dream baby dream'. it's true gospel. it's like the sun lighting a path.

what am i doing?
i'm collecting myself. i'm thinking, without thinking. i'm letting this music dictate my thoughts. i will process it all and regurgitate it later. probably to you. i will pass all of this music off as my own poetry.
the best music is like an aural carousel. it spins you around and it spins around you. it makes you dizzy and takes you far away and drops you off where you were. but different. a little wobbly but euphoric.

what am i doing?
i'm closing my eyes. i'm in my room. my room has never changed. it's the only home i have. i have spent the last few years homeless. drifting from room to room, couch to couch, me and my jukebox. every room is the same, every couch is the same. i can adapt to it all. i am resilient. walls change colors and carpets fade and picture on the wall shift.
i miss home. not a particular home, but that feeling. of laying my head down and knowing what will happen tomorrow. and being happy with what will happen tomorrow.
i'm making that up, by the way.
i'm a liar. a known liar. and a bore.
and the only thing interesting about me is what i'm listening to now.
and i'm gonna keep that secret for now.

what am i doing?